Hilarity ensues!

Monday, May 23, 2005


Last night I saw "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (which, by the way, was absolutely terrific)and tonight I'm seeing "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith". I've been looking forward to seeing that for YEARS so I'm very very excited, it will be excellent!

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Hey, free stuff!

My family went through all my grandma's junk saturday, and I was amazed by the sheer amount of CRAP that I found- boxes of folded up wrapping paper (looks like she's been saving it since the civil war), papers, used kleenexes, 3 sets of dentures, papers, clothing, food, papers, furniture, and... gasoline ration stamps from WWII- two whole books of them. Who would save gas ration stamps? Were they expecting a third world war, or were they just planning a really big road trip?

I got a lot of free junk, like my grandparents bedroom furniture (but not the bed, you couldn't pay me to sleep on that piece of crap), a cool lamp, magazine racks, a television, a vcr, bookshelves, a japanese doll, and... the whole damn townhouse. I'll be moving over there in a little over a month, and since I'm taking over everyone just assumes that I'll clean everything too. Like the bathroom, which I cleaned today. I found neosporin from 1989, 12 bottles of aspirin (all expired), the 3rd set of dentures, 5 toothbrushes, a medicine containing mercury, and loads of other nasty stuff. I also cleaned the rest of the kitchen, and started on the bedroom, where I found a wig, a sheer nightgown, and an electric toothbrush.

In the next month, I need to paint the walls, have some minor construction work finished, replace light fixtures, clean the carpets, move all my stuff over, and oh yeah- get rid of the smell. No one likes Eau de' dead grandma in their house.

By the way, I got two more piercings. Where, I cannot say, and no, I will not post pictures. Sorry*

* Not really.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Fridge of the dead

My dad's side of the family is coming over tomorrow to go through all of my grandma's things, which is something that I've been looking forward to for over a month. Today my sister and I realized, with horror, that no one has cleaned out her fridge. Since we were the only ones who were really gung ho about the whole fridge thing, we decided to clean it out before the rest of the family could see the condition it was in.

Bad idea.

We knew that my grandparensts weren't keen on expiration dates, and we knew that they were big "savers" (growing up during the depression and all) but we didn't know how truly awful it was. We found a container of something with foreign writing and the words "opened 4/17/91", tartar sauce that expired in August of 2001, salad dressing from 1998, cocktail onions from the 80's and many other food products that were so old that they didn't even have expiration dates.

There was gel of some kind that had crystallized onto the shelves, and an awful smell like rotten soysauce. The vegetable bins were full of rotten liqufied vegetables and oranges that were black, white and squishy. The freezer wasn't as dirty, but was full of frozen blocks of bacon grease and a metal freezer pack that's older than my dad.

I took about 2 hours to clean, but now it looks like new, smells like grapefruit and has about 7 containers of baking soda in it.

Tomorrow will be a ton of fun!

I'm hungry!

I'm hungry, and need to go grocery shopping. But I have to wait for my sister to get home from school... bah!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Oh, where the tides of time will take us...

There was a time when I didn't care about grades, it wasn't actually a "time"... more like my entire pre-college (plus one year in college) educational career.

But now, I've become an anal-retentive grade hungry monster. I was actually crying earlier because I couldn't find a printout for a short essay I was supposed to write for this Tuesday's class. That paper is only worth 5 points. In a class that I already have an A in. And I actually have a lot of extra credit, so I could bomb a test and still have an A.

But I was still upset, because of FIVE TINY POINTS. I searched for that damn paper anyways, and even emailed my teacher for a new copy (she sent me the wrong one). But that's OK, because when I was in the shower I had a flashback to last weeks class- when my teacher said the printer was broken, so we'd have to write up the assignment sheet ourselves.

Mwahahahahaha... I had the thing in my notebook the whole time.

I have my paper and can still save that holy A

Friday, April 08, 2005

Bought my ticket!

I bought my ticket last night for my first solo plane trip, I'm pretty excited. I'm leaving for Amarillo, Texas in June, and staying for a weekend to visit my cousin Sara. There's one stop both ways (In Dallas-Ft. Worth), but that will be fun... I like airports. It's nice because I don't have to worry about transportation while I'm there, or room & board, since I'll be staying with her. And she's got a pool! Yay!

I was checking out the Amarillo city guide, there's some pretty fun things to do there. I want to go to the Cadillac Ranch (that place that looks like either a crop circle or stonehenge, but built with a bunch of old cadillacs), there's also a very nice botanical garden, an amusement park, the Palo Duro Canyon- the "Grand Canyon of Texas", some museums, and some really fun sounding restaurants.

I plan on buying a new camera before then (maybe a Canon Elph, so I can use that fancy fumble-free Advantix film) so I will be able to take lots of fun pictures.

Now, if only I can hold out until June!

Saturday, April 02, 2005

I'm cleaning my room, the endtimes must be near!

Yes, I'm cleaning my room. And it isn't a half-assed job either- I pulled out the really big guns this time.

*3 rolls "Bounty" paper towels
*1 bottle "KaBoom!" spray cleaner-it works, really well. Especially on the soapscum that's been developing in my faucet for 5 years.
*1 bottle "Greased Lightning Grapefruit Blast" spray cleaner- smells fruity. Note: Does not taste like grapefruit.
*1 bottle "Sparkle" glass cleaner. I hadn't heard of that brand either, but it had a pretty logo, and it's purple. It is magic too, since there's not really any information listed, just "NJ TRADE SECRET REGISTRY" and "A.J. Funk & Co." Funky glass cleaner.
*1 cannister "Glade Carpet & Room Deoderizer". I'm in dire need of this stuff... my carpet still smells like cat- and my cat died 4 years ago.
*1 package O-celo sponges. These are for my shower, which I haven't gotten around to cleaning yet. Now that I look back on it, I should've gotten like 7 packs... that way I could actually have a chance at defeating the mildew brigade.

Bathroom admirers of mine will be saddened to know that I must destroy the jacuzzi stalactite, but I will take pictures to document its demise.

I also have taken it upon myself to replace the lightbulbs that burned out many years ago, which is really a chore in itself. Not many people have really looked at my light fixture, but they should. There are 8 lightbulbs, which are split up into 2 sets of 4. Each set is encased in a half-circle cage of 2 sets of 28 thin glass rods, held together by sharp bolts, and plexiglass plates. Yes, I know... pictures would really bring this nightmare to life. Replacing a lightbulb is a Sisyphean task- first you have to remove the tiny bolts, and then the plexiglass. Then *each single glass rod must be removed, one at a time* This takes about a million years. After that, each single goddamn rod must be carefully cleaned, because glass collects dust like ugly on Joan Rivers. Then you repeat, on the other side. After you finish, around the time of your 90th birthday, you can put the damn 40-watt vanity bulbs in, and then put every single rod back in place.


The Elderly are Perverted-----> PROOF!

The elderly are the most perverted (and racist) group of people on this planet, and the loony ones are expecially bad.

We have a new guy, a known groper who looks just like a 90-year old Ross Perot, if Perot weighed about 100 lbs, was in a wheelchair, and had a hunchback that Quasimodo would be jealous of.

Anyways, I was helping him in the gentlemen's room the other night, and he tried the old "grab the crotch" move on me. Thanks to my lightning-fast cat-like reflexes, I easily avoided his little hand. He also told me "You ain't no n****r". Well hey, that's a news flash to me. As if I missed the blindingly bright whiteness that I see in the mirror everyday.

Then, the next night I said "Oof da" when I was helping him into bed (Ya, I sure am a Minnesotan), and he said "You just wait till I get started, and then you'll be saying off da.". Whoo-hoo, that's one hot come-on line.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Breaking News!

Uhh... in case you live in a cave or are deaf & blind, THE POPE IS NEAR DEATH.

I'm sad, the pope is the cutest of the cute old men in his little pope hat, riding around in his popemobile.